Fighting Yourself
by Rosesareforever
Summary: She has fought the urge to turn off her humanity, but failure leads to disillusionment. Elena decides to leave Mystic Falls after losing control yet again. There's only one person left capable of finding her and returning her back in one piece. (A2A Holiday Exchange)


**This is a part of the A2A Holiday Exchange on Livejournal. The prompt was written by mayghaend, I hope you'll like it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries. **

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**Fighting yourself**

**Mystic Falls**

Red. Delicious crimson red. Her thoughts were clouded, allowing for only one color to surface, red. Drop after drop, each pull weakening the body wrapped in her arms, each pull sweeter, tastier. Her canines pierced deeply into the throat her lips were attached to. The life force was slowly seeping away with each drop of red liquid that disappeared into her mouth.

Her hands shook as she dropped the lifeless body once there was nothing left to devour. Elena's eyes widened as she was catapulted back to reality. Her knees wobbly as she sunk to the floor. She killed someone. This was not the first time. She'd taken an innocent life simply because she'd once again fallen prey to the bloodlust.

She'd been skittering on the edge for weeks. Visions of blood haunted her relentlessly through day and night since killing the hunter. All she could see, could think off, could dream about had been visualized through a curtain of bloody crimson red. Every time she closed her eyes, visions of terror wreaked havoc on her mind. She had indeed killed someone. The world was surely better without Connor Jordan in it, yet the only thing that mattered was that she, Elena Gilbert, had murdered someone.

The worst part, she'd found pleasure during the kill. The adrenaline coursing through her veins as she swallowed each droplet of the luscious hematic. The thin line between right and wrong blurred as she crossed paths with her values and norms as a vampire and as a human.

The monster inside of her yearned for the freedom to kill at will. That now, very small piece of her remaining humanity lurked deep down wanting nothing more than to return the normal good girl Elena. Taming her inner beast and learning control would be a herculean task. Her whole being longed for the taste of the thick red blood cells and the euphoric high the blood elicited causing her taste buds to burst with pleasure. She still wanted happiness to be part of her undead life but for now that would have to be placed on the back burner.

Elena's small frame quivered as she stared at the unmoving body in front of her. This life she'd taken just because she failed to control her bloodlust. Tears pricked at her eyelids, though she refused to let them roll down her cheeks. A sudden wave of rage pummeled her. Unable to process the guilt, she flipped the switch. Gone was the innocent Elena that cared for others above all else. She'd truly become what she decried.

She swore she saw red clouds appearing in front of her eyes, louds sirens screeching next to her ears as she slowly straightened her spine and stood up. She moved without thinking, her body taking control from her mind as she tidied up the corpse. She felt like she was slowly going insane and braced herself for whatever was about to happen. Her emotions were all over the place. Ever so slowly a feeling of numbness took over. The loud screams that had been echoing in her head stopped. Everything became eerily quiet as her vision returned to normal. Her mind free from all the pain and guilt. The switch had indeed been turned off. For the time being she was completely free, feeling no desire whatsoever to turn the switch back on.

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**New York City – Three months later**

It was New Year's eve as Damon somberly strolled across Time Square, his eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. It had been three months, three fucking months since the last time he'd seen Elena. The reason for her departure was easily understood. April Young suddenly vanished into thin air. A new grave had appeared just as unexpectedly.

Her bloodlust had been spinning out of control for weeks. Damon never believed that she would simply take off without so much as a simple goodbye to anyone. He knew she had been struggling. It was clearly visible to anyone paying attention. She had been teetering on the brink of sanity for quite some time. He tried to help her out. Elena being Elena simply wouldn't accept the support he offered her.

Instead of accepting his help, she started hiding in her room. One day bled into the next as she wallowed in self-pity and drowned herself with guilt. Damon Salvatore wasn't a man who lingered on regret. If only he could have a "do over" when he told Elena to kill the hunter. As sure as the sun rises each day, he knew for certain that eventually she would kill someone. It had been folly to hope that her overwhelming guilt wouldn't break her.

She'd flipped the switch just the same as he had all those years ago. In a few years, once the novelty of being a vampire wore off, all those previously buried emotions would wallop her psyche. The cascading effect would completely overwhelm her. She needed to face those demons now or forever be held hostage to them.

He never wanted this life for Elena. To this very day, he couldn't for the life of him begin to fathom how Stefan chose to save Donovan instead. *Saint Stefan* had been stupid enough to let the love of his life drown in that river. Things would have been so much easier if Matt had died instead. He would gladly been the sole focus of Elena's hatred if it meant her heart would continue to beat its familiar cadence. Respecting her wishes was one thing, letting her die was something entirely different.

The moment he'd found her wardrobe empty of clothes, his entire universe began to tilt off its axis. He didn't tell a soul when he started his search for the newborn vampire. It was his blood coursing through her veins. Stefan had called him later that day, informing him that Elena was gone, as if he didn't already know. He'd canvassed the state before Stefan even had a clue. He knew with certainty that Elena would want to be as far away from Mystic Falls as possible. They were kindred spirits, he understood her far better than Stefan ever could.

One week and Stefan had given up the search. Soon he was completely focused on finding that fucking cure. There wasn't even any proof of its existence. Stefan's every moment was spent trying to conjure up some hocus pocus to save Elena from self-destruction. Hello! How on earth was he going to magically cure her when she was nowhere to be found?

Damon had long forgotten about the idea of healing her vampirism. His primary goal was pulling Elena from the abyss of darkness she was currently residing in. He didn't know what he was going to find when he finally caught up with her. Yet he instinctively knew that he shouldn't expect much. She had been off his radar for three endless months. It was more than enough time to devour the last shred of what was left of her humanity.

He would bring _his_ Elena back, no matter how deep she was in or how much she would hate him for doing so. His solemn vow could easily be his last accomplishment on this earth. He would save her, no matter the cost.

He'd been crises crossing the border between Pennsylvania and New York. He soon realized it was New Year's Eve. Feeling no desire to celebrate the occasion this year, he thought watching the Big Apple's fireworks display wouldn't harm anything. A brief respite from his search sounded rather appealing. He'd find himself a willing bed partner and spend the night high on blood. At least the blood haze would keep his mind off of _her_ if only for a little while.

Elena's spectral presence haunted his every moment both while awake and in his dreams. Memories of their shared kisses blinded him. The endless longing to get her back was intoxicating. In all his years roaming the globe, he never wanted a woman more than he wanted Elena. Even Katherine, who at one point had been his entire world, paled in comparison. Katherine was an unhealthy addiction. He'd been in love with a fantasy. This perfect woman he'd created in his mind blocked him from seeing the bitch that Katherine was behind the mask.

Suddenly a figure across the street caught his attention. For just a moment he was convinced he saw Katherine standing in front of him. A graceful brunette was circling around her newest victim. Her lean fingers toying with the ends of her long curly hair. She moved with feline grace as she closed in on her prey. Those chocolate eyes focused entirely on the slender man just a few feet away from her. The skimpy dress she wore barely covered her assets. She was wearing five inch heels. It was as if she was begging him to fuck her.

Every time he saw a pretty woman in those *fuck me* heels, he could feel his cock twitch..  
He would have gladly seized the opportunity. At that moment her eyes locked with his, revealing to him exactly who was really standing across the street from him. The shock was clearly visible in her brown orbs as she recognized who he was, her piercing gaze lowering as she turned around to head in the opposite direction.

He had too many years' experience for her to successfully elude him. It didn't take long for him to eclipse her pace. He'd caught her before she reached the next avenue. She was fast, he had to give her credit for that. Damon would always be one step ahead of her though. He finally found her, he wasn't going to let her get away this time. Not now, not ever. She would have to assassinate him first.

"Elena!" he called out, his voice rising an octave. He knew she'd hear him. It didn't matter whether it was a whisper or the scream of a banshee. Heightened senses were both a blessing and a curse. Excellent hearing benefitted him more times than he could count. It also made him privy to some conversations he'd rather not have overheard.

Trying to pretend she hadn't heard him, she continued her brisk pace, trying to get away from him as quickly as possible. He was relentless. Using his vampire speed to his advantage, he closed in on her effectively blocking her path. He'd been careful to make sure no one saw him. They were now far away from the public. Time Square held a packed crowd all waiting for the fireworks to commence when the ball dropped signaling the New Year's arrival.

Currently they were standing in a long dark alley. Flickering streetlights were all that illuminated the area. His view was perfect. One of the many perks of being a vampire proved useful today. The thick layer of makeup shielding Elena's face really bothered him. The look reminded him of Katherine far more than he'd like. If looks could kill, Damon would be dead by now. Her seething rage ready to erupt like a Yellowstone geyser. Those eyes were molten hot with anger.

He didn't know what he had been expecting, but this was certainly not it. He'd thought she would be nervous when she saw him, afraid that he would take her back home. Instead she seemed to be annoyed, mad that he interrupted her night of feasting on human blood. She didn't look anything like the Elena he'd grown to love, the warm and caring woman had vanished from the surface and turned into the she-devil herself.

"Can you move?" she demanded rather forcefully, sounding bored to death. She tried to shoo him away with her perfectly manicured hand, the heel of her shoe tapping a rhythmic cadence. He eyed her closely, trying to detect any form of humanity, but came up blank. The warmness of her brilliant chocolate orbs had vanished. Her stare dull and lifeless.

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Elena?" he questioned, pinning her against the brick wall behind her. She struggled against his grip, trying to shove him off her, but ended up entirely immobilized. Her attempt at kneeing him in the crotch nearly succeeded. If he hadn't anticipated that scenario, he'd be doubled over right now. She still had much to learn he observed.

"What the fuck do you want?" she roared, her nails digging into his chest, probably even drawing blood through his layer of clothing. Her attempts to free herself were laughable. Damon's control was invincible when it came to saving Elena from herself. She was driving him insane with the fight she was putting up. Her struggle to free herself was really turning him on.

He always knew there was a real temptress hiding deep inside of her. At this moment he needed to keep his lust at bay and focus on bringing her back from the edge of destruction. She probably already killed more people than she could count. Her regret would become unbearable. He shuttered to think of the devastation he'd see in those eyes once he forced her to flip her switch back on.

"I want you to turn your fucking emotions back on and quit this crap," he growled, his hold on her body tightening. "You look like a freaking whore in these clothes!" He might have exaggerated a little with his comment on her attire. He couldn't suppress the jealousy that was evident in his tone of voice. The amount of skin she was showing off enraged him. Eyes probably bulged out of their sockets when they stared at her. He could almost feel the smoke billowing from his eyes at the thought.

"Go to hell, Damon! I'm perfectly fine on my own," she snarled as fury seethed through her veins. She writhed in his hold and threw her head back against the wall, rolling her eyes when he grinned victoriously. Instead of trying to push him away, she clamped her hands around his shirt, seemingly undecided whether she should pull him closer or shove him off her body.

"You're not fine, Elena. You're anything but fine. You need to come home!" he ordered, his hands on either side of her face as he pushed himself flat against her, their foreheads resting together. She was trapped. There was no way to get away from him.

"Don't you dare to order me around! I'm an adult, I can make these decisions on my own. I'm not going back to Mystic Falls _ever_!" she cried out, pounding his chest in sheer frustration.

"You're coming back home, even if I have to throw you over my shoulder," he stated seriously, his voice filled with despair instead of anger. He needed her to flip the switch and return to him, he wouldn't be able to survive otherwise.

"Why are you still hunting me down, Damon? Just give up. No one wants me back home. I'm perfectly fine where I am," she replied, tired of fighting for control. Her restraint weakening with each passing minute. After months of desolation there wasn't much left of her to break down.

"Everyone still loves you, Elena, no matter what you did or who you've killed. We all understand the bloodlust has taken control, but we all want to help you! We need you at home, beautiful. Stefan, Jeremy, Caroline, Matt, Bonnie… me" Damon whispered, his eyes piercing hers as he watched her closely. No emotions were reflected in her eyes, she simply looked numb. What the hell was it going to take to bring her back?

"_You_ don't need me, Damon," she claimed, emphasizing the 'you' part. The determination in her eyes shocked him to the core. Did she seriously believe he could survive without her? Pining after Katherine had been one thing, but his feelings for Elena went beyond that. He'd rather desiccate in a cave than see her throw her life away. He knew she couldn't live with the deaths she caused on her own, she'd need all of them to help her through.

"Don't tell me what I need or don't need. You have no clue of how I am feeling right now, Elena. You wouldn't say so otherwise," he retorted, his voice eerily calm and stern. He was done hiding his feelings. She thought she knew the extent of his love for her. His feelings went so much deeper. Elena was just too young and naïve to fully comprehend a love like that.

"If I'm such an idiot, why don't you just let go of me, Damon? Sever ties for good and start over?" she suggested as if it was the most normal thing in the world to say. He could strangle her for daring to utter such nonsense.

"Do you really think you're getting away from me this easily? Get a grip, Elena. You ran away from me once, don't think you'll be able to repeat that mistake," he grunted, running his thumb across her lips as their breaths mingled. She seductively poked her tongue out to run a pattern across his thumb. He didn't let the gesture faze him, knowing she was using her feminine wiles to distract him.

He slowly leaned in closer until his lips were only inches away from her ear shell and whispered: "Don't get your hopes up, sweetheart, I can handle a lot more than a that little temptation. Are you sure you're up to this?" After a quick, playful nip at her earlobe he pulled back, grinning triumphantly when he noticed the hazy look in her eyes. Guess he wasn't the only one affected.

"Why the hell do you care? Just get away from me!" she yelled, fisting her hands and smacking his chest repeatedly until her knuckles hurt from the strength she exerted. He felt like he was failing. His attempt to get her to turn her emotions back was falling short instead of progressing. Her eyes were widened in rage, but that's as far as it got.

"Because even after everything you put me through, I still love you so freaking much it hurts, Elena! Every day without you I feel like I can't breathe, I don't feel the urge to drink blood or find the rest to sleep. I'm a fucking wreck!" he cried out, devastation wreaking havoc over his legendary control. He hadn't wanted to tell her all of that, but he thought: what the hell? It wasn't like things could possibly get any worse than they already were. He was used to her rejection, one more time extra wasn't going to kill him. At least he tried to make her restore her humanity.

To his surprise, all she did was blink and stare up at him. The look made him feel like the greatest fool on the face of the earth. She would never return his feelings because she didn't think she deserved anyone's love. No words were needed, he recognizes the look, knows how it feels.

"Fuck it, Elena. Why don't you just come out and say it. Whatever you are thinking, please just say it! I can practically see the wheels spinning in your head!" he shouted when she stayed silent, his eyes boring into hers to seek the truth. He could hear her inhale deeply as she struggled to find words, her eyes glazy.

He was close to passing out the moment he saw a flash of pain reflecting in her eyes, shocking him to the core. He was on the verge of losing all hope in his quest to make her just turn it on. "I don't deserve you, Damon! Why do you keep pushing me? I'm a monster, I can't be loved," she cried, starting to sob hysterically.

He knew she'd effectively turned the switch on the moment the first tear left her eye. She started to cry, scream in frustration, anger and pain, all the while pummeling his chest with her tiny fists. Her emotions weren't just heightened, they were amplified tenfold. She was crazy with grief for what seemed like hours. Finally she started to calm down and cry quietly. Her tears soaked his Varvatos shirt.

"Everyone deserves to be loved, Elena, no matter who you are or what you have done," he whispered in her hair as he hugged her close to his body. His arms wrapped tightly around her rigid frame. It had taken him a while to see it himself. He would never forgive himself for the crimes and actions he'd committed. It's not the past that defines us as people, it's the way we deal with the mistakes we make.

"I… I think I love you, too. I never really dared to examine my feelings for you, knowing they would consume me. I can't lie to myself anymore. I do have feelings for you. They run a whole lot deeper than friendship," she uttered out, hiding her face in the crook of his neck while she wrapped her arms firmly behind his neck.

"Elena," Damon whispered as he took her face into his hands and forced her to look at him. Beneath all the pain and regret he could clearly see in her doe eyes, he found a shimmer of affection, more than enough to push him over the edge. He claimed her lips in a forceful kiss, tasting the salt of her tears combined with something uniquely Elena.

She gasped into their kiss, leaving enough space for his tongue to seek hers. Her hand suddenly disappeared into his hair, knitting itself into his raven locks as she kissed him back just as passionately. She poured all her emotions into the kiss, the anger, pain, regret, disappointment, love. He could feel her clamping onto his body for dear life, afraid that he might disappear.

"I'm sorry I ran away," she whimpered when he finally pulled back, his thumb caressing her cheek soft like a feather. "I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner," he answered sadly, before reuniting their lips, their mouths melting together perfectly. He slowly let his hands trail up and down her sides, exploring each inch of her skin and imprinting it into his memory.

"Damon," she moaned when he left a trail of open mouthed kisses down her throat, his canines brushing her skin like a caress, sending an incredibly erotic jolt through her body. She pulled his hair while he pinned her against the wall, his knee between her legs, brushing against her crotch in the most delicious way.

"More," she demanded through gritted teeth as he found that sweet spot in the crook of her neck, making her legs turn into mush. He quickly pushed the straps of her dress down, revealing her black lace bra. Damon moaned in approval at the sight before darting his tongue out and licking a pattern down the valley of her breasts.

She writhed underneath his touch, wanting – no – needing more. She gasped loudly when Damon suddenly turned his attention to her perky nipple and sucked it into his mouth through the fabric of her bra. His touch sent shockwaves straight to her core, soaking her panties with every stroke of his luscious tongue.

"You taste divine," he murmured against her skin as he devoured every inch of her flesh. She swore she was close to passing out, ready to explode. She was already nearing her first orgasm. All it took was a little fondling of her breasts. The man would drive her nuts one day.  
Growing impatient, she pushed her dress down till it puddled at her ankles, revealing her black thong. Damon's eyes almost bulged out of their sockets when he took in the sight. The fact that someone could walk in on them at any given moment, only heightened his desire.

"You're wearing too many clothes," Elena whined when he finally returned to kiss her full on the lips. She simply tore his shirt in two without blinking, her gaze turning heated as she ogled his muscled chest, trailing her finger nails up and down until she reached his happy trail. She pushed him back against the other side of the wall before slowly sinking to her knees, feathering a trail of kisses as she went farther south.

"Elena," he whispered huskily, though it was meant as a warning. He was rock hard and ready to combust. There was no need for foreplay. He wouldn't be able to hold back if she taunted him any further, her touch the greatest aphrodisiac he'd ever experienced.

Her lips curled into a broad smile as she watched Damon close his eyes in satisfaction. She fumbled with his belt and quickly unbuttoned his jeans, wanting to get rid of the clothing as soon as possible. She didn't bother to take off his shoes and simply pulled his pants down to his knees, her hand cupping his balls through his boxers.

Damon let out a hiss at her touch, throwing his head back against the wall. She was killing him. He looked down to find her watching him closely and their eyes locked. He was so hard it was painful. Slowly she pulled him from his boxers. Her tongue darted out to lick the mushroom shaped head before taking him into her mouth.

Elena moaned at the taste of him on her tongue, enjoying every second of pleasure she was giving him. She'd been pleasantly surprised by his size. She could hardly wait to feel what it would be like to be stretched by him, filled to the hilt with his delicious cock.

"I want to be inside you when I come," Damon mumbled in between moans of pure bliss. His bluntness made her even hornier. She quickly let his erection slip from between her lips and stood upright, ready to be fucked. Damon grinned and shoved her back against the wall, taking her lips in a hungry kiss. He groaned when he tasted himself on her tongue, letting his hand slide between their bodies to search for her womanhood.

"God, you're so incredibly wet," he growled in her ear as his fingers slipped into her panties, teasing her pussy. He slowly circled her clit before giving the little button a pinch, making her scream out in ecstasy. She bit down his shoulder hard, resisting the urge to insert her canines and draw blood.

He used his fingers to massage her lower lips, entering her tight cunt. He thrust in and out, adding a second finger to increase her pleasure. "Pinch your nipple for me, baby," he commanded as he focused his gaze where his fingers disappeared into her body. The lustful sight had him lingering on the edge, his orgasm close yet just out of reach.

Elena followed his demand, turned on by his dominating nature. A wave of pure delight encompassed her, making her body shudder violently as she exploded. She saw stars dancing in front of her eyes, taking her higher and higher. She didn't think she'd ever come that long and hard in her life, her entire body felt boneless.

"Wow," she whispered as he held her up, his arms supporting her weight. He slowly stood, smirking mischievously as he basked in her afterglow. He looked incredibly sexy, his hair slightly tousled after she ran her fingers through his locks numerous times.  
"Ready for round two?" he questioned, wiggling his eyebrows as he slowly lifted her against the wall. She nodded eagerly as she wrapped her toned legs around his waist impaling herself on his thick cock. She slowly guided him inside, sinking down until he was completely buried in her tight pussy.

She watched intently as Damon closed his eyes in satisfaction, a sigh leaving his lips as he gripped her love handles, without doubt leaving marks. She slowly withdrew only to forcefully slam back down, her clit brushing against his public bone, creating the perfect friction to catapult her into another mind-blowing orgasm.

Damon nearly convulsed at the feel of her tight cunt sliding up and down his shaft, enveloping him gloriously. He was balls deep inside of her, reveling in the feel of her luscious body. He was so incredibly close, his control faltering with every thrust. He nuzzled his face into her neck and started to nibble at her soft flesh, earning a loud moan.

"I'm gonna…" Elena cried out, release washing over her. Her inner muscled started to contract, tightly gripping his cock into an embrace. Her canines extended and she bite down the column of his throat, the sharp sting jostling him into an earthshattering orgasm of his own. He roared loudly as he came, shocked when Elena pulled his mouth to her neck, indicating that he should bite her in return.

She greedily sucked down his blood, gorging herself on every single drop of red liquid. Her mind went crazy. His taste was mind blowing. The need to devour him whole was intense. When she felt his teeth piercing her skin, she cried out, another wave of release slamming into her like a megaton blast of TNT.

She didn't know how much time had passed, but when they both pulled back she felt blissfully exhausted. Suddenly multiple explosions were heard as the sky was showered in hundreds of brilliant electric colors. The fireworks had started, indicating the new year had begun.

"Happy New Year, love," Damon whispered before his lips crashed down on hers. A very happy new year it was indeed. She found comfort in his arms when she needed him most. No one else had come to help her pick up the pieces when she broke. He chased her and searched until he found her, saving her from the self-destructive spiral she'd become enmeshed in.

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**Thanks for reading. I'm very curious to see if you guys liked the O/S. I'm a terrible O/S writer and usually write AH stories, so this was a real challenge to me. Hopefully I didn't fail. **

**Please leave me a review and let me know what you think! :D **

**Xoxo**

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